As predicted last in my post we’ve had yet another failure. Aunt Flo made a brief appearance on Friday night. Having a day 5 embryo inserted 4 days after I ovulated probably didn’t help. My husband greets the news by giving me a big hug. He gave my flowers after the first 3 or 4 failures. It gets a little expensive when you do it as often as I do. Coping with the news was probably harder then than what it is now. We don’t talk about it anymore – our body language does all the communication it needs.
Personally I like to talk about it but my husband does not – that’s his way of coping. I know he is disappointed too. But really, there is nothing more we can say any more to each other than what we have already said before. Besides he is not a big talker and I accepted that when I married him. He is still my rock and shoulder to cry on when I need to.
I also have friends I can talk to about it – although I do try not to trouble my friends every single time I have an IVF failure. There have been too many and I know from experience that no matter how good a friend is, they can get worn out if you are constantly upset and need to talk about it. I guess most people think you should move on but infertility is a process of constant grieving to some extent. I have personally lost some valuable friendships in the past because a “friend” thought I was too demanding in the past at a time of crisis in my life. I am not willing to repeat that again.
You wouldn’t know it but as I write this post on my blog, silent tears fall. I didn’t cry when my period arrived. I do now. Writing it all down is very cathartic for me. Although I get upset, it gives me permission to talk and releases my feelings on matter. I have a theory that repression causes depression. When I repress my feelings, I get depressed. Revealing them, releases me and frees me from feeling depressed. To anyone else going through infertility I seriously recommend writing it all down. You don’t have to write war and peace and you don’t even have to make it public like I do. You could write a blog under a pen name or you could even just put pen to paper and keep it to yourself.
If you want to know how to go about setting up a blog, I am happy to teach this. I already run private workshops that teach people how to set up a blog or website and am planning on setting up a video series on my other website about how to set up and write a blog. Amazingly it is so simple and anyone can do it! I do plan on charging for the course but it will be free for anyone undergoing IVF because I think we spend enough on IVF cycles without having to spend any more money on anything else. Of course, I know this isn’t for everybody and for many a pen and paper would suffice. However, if you are interested you can register by clicking here. I haven’t created the content yet but if you register you will provide with an incentive to get off my butt and do it!
My next major step is have a blood test to confirm what I already know – I am not pregnant! After this, I will take a month off with the aim of having a full stimulated cycle in May. I don’t think my bank account will like me very much. I know I ranted and raved about being sick of it all and I really truly am. However I am 40 years old, my eggs are not getting any younger and my biological clock is is ticking louder and faster. How does one overcome the inevitable process of aging?
I guess you don’t. There is no elixir to reverse the process. I wish there were. I do take Chinese Herbs which apparently provide nutritional support for my eggs. I can’t argue with century old traditional Chinese techniques.