Its been a while since I wrote in my blog. Since that time a few other long term infertility sufferers have gotten pregnant and I am still infertile. Its funny that no matter how strong you think you are going there are always those moments when you talk about your experiences and get upset. After a couple of months break from IVF, albeit with the constant reminder of my failure to get pregnant (my ankles and fingers are still swollen from steroid withdrawals) I thought I was doing fine. I was also contemplating life without a child and wondering what that could mean.
However on Monday evening I went out to dinner with my biological mother (I am adopted) and found myself crying about it all. As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough. Today (Thursday), we visited a friend who had baby number 2 and I found myself getting clucky and playing with the baby. I marveled at this newborns beautiful soft skin and tiny long and slender fingers. Then I started crying – perhaps it was the realization that I might never have a baby. I don’t know. All I know is that grief can come along at any moment and strike you when you least expect it. I had to fake it and go to toilet so that no-one could see me cry. Its not good when you want a baby. I know I should be happy for the people who have a child (and I am) except that it reminds me that I can’t have a child and don’t have one.
In any case I have resolved to have a break from IVF and let my body recover. I have rashes all over my body as well as the swollen ankles and this is all related to my reaction to going off steroid treatment for my natural killer cells. I am sick of my body reacting the way it does and want to give it time to recover. Previously I was rushing against my body clock but now I have a different attitude and just want my body to be ok and I want the horrible symptoms I have left over from IVF to go away. I have also put on weight and I know this isn’t going to help me get pregnant either. So it is rest time for me for a little while at least. I am going to have a post a picture of the rashes on my legs that started to appear right before Christmas. I also need to write about another incident that occurred before I left my job. It literally shocked me that someone could be so thoughtless.
Angela says
My thoughts are with you in getting your body back –
Everything else you said I can so relate to. At this point, I try to avoid any thoughts/situations of what is (or not is).
Again, take care of yourself.
Angela
Carol says
Thanks Angela. I appreciate your kind words.
Tara says
I stumbled across your blog when researching intralipid option, my doc does not want to do this and after 13 failed IVF’s i want to try anything for the usual “one last time”, my age 45 not on my side, so totally understand your ups and downs… hoping your back feeling positive again…
Take care
x
Carol says
Hi Tara – I understand your wanting to try something different. It is frustrating when you don’t have control on your body. They say the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and it not working but maybe in IVF this is not the case. It seems like we have been through a similar number of cycles. Good luck on your journey.