The phone call came. I detected in the nurses voice that the news was not good. I was right – negative. Still no sign of Aunt Flo. Not pregnant just like I expected. For one brief moment, I imagined myself finding out a positive result and then not saying a word to anyone (unlike me) until when I was home with my husband. I just wanted to see the look in his eyes. Sadly this is not to be. Tonight I am going out with some girlfriends for dinner. A couple of glasses of red wine is on the cards. I just hope that no-one asks me any questions. One of my friends is likely too – as well intentioned as wht she is, she is thoughtless sometimes! Grrh!
After a relaxed couple of weeks convincing myself that I am not pregnant, I am now finding myself sitting here anxiously waiting to hear the results back from my blood test. I mean what are the chances of a day 2 embryo making the cut when every other day 5 embryo I have had hasn’t.
Aunt Flo normally arrives before my blood test, however this time I have taken my blood test a day early. Whilst it is not common for my period to be a day late, it is not uncommon. It just doesn’t happen very often…. but it does happen. The trouble is that the delay is killing me. It is all I can think of and I am finding it difficult to concentrate on what I doing.
Personally I don’t feel pregnant. My breasts are not sore – they stopped being sore about 4 days ago. I have acne on just to the left of my chin – just like the acne I get when I am pre-menstrual. And today I have broken into the lolly jar at work. My cravings for sweets are fairly normal but they do tend to be worse just before my period arrives. So all things considered it is not looking hopeful.
But looking hopeful and being hopeful are two different things. Although I expect the results to be negative, I am more hopeful that they are positive. I think my husband is the same. He even rang to find out the blood test results. He doesn’t normally do that – but then normally I know the outcome before I have the blood test. Imagine if the clinic rings up and tells me that I have a positive result – I reckon I would find it difficult to hide at work. I think I would just scream.
On the other hand, I am going to be so disappointed if it is a negative again – even if that is the result I am expecting. And if that happens, I am reaching out to the bottle. Seems like the longer Aunt Flo takes to come, the more hope you have and this just makes the waiting period more difficult. Its actually killing me. I mean how many times can I inspect the toilet paper in one day. Every trip to the toilet has taken on greater significance. Every time I feel the progesterone cream, I wonder if that is the first sign of Aunt Flo.
How long will it take before the clinic call mes – 1 hour, 2 hours, maybe even 3 at most. I wonder if they call all the people with the positive results first and then call all people with the negative results. I wonder if it was random. If it were me, I reckon I would call with the good news first and then deliver the bad news. That rationale is not really helping me – maybe thats why they aren’t calling me. More bad news – just this time my body is keeping me in suspense.
The countdown continues….. rescue me.
This month I really thought that there was a possibility I could be pregnant even though I had been negative about it happening this time. My negativity stemmed from the fact that this month I ovulated later than normal and then somehow my hormones surged for 3 whole days before I actually ovulated. As my body was behaving differently to normal, I decided to change the number of embryos transferred from two to one. The logic being not to waste the embryos I had. I really felt that my body was conspiring against me for this cycle to get pregnant.
However, some positive things occurred which lead me to think this time could be different. My period was 3 days late – a pretty rare event. I didn’t develop acne. I didn’t feel bloated. I’ve been making some positive changes to my lifestyle – getting more sleep, having regular acupuncture and taking Chinese herbal medicines twice daily. It also seemed quite plausible and after 10 IVF attempts, surely it was my turn to fall pregnant. I also made a big personal decision and decided not to put my life and career on hold until I got pregnant.
Unfortunately, Aunt Flo decided to arrive yesterday. So its now back to the drawing board again! As much as I was filled with anticipation, I have learned not to get excited or upset about the possibility of getting or not getting pregnant. Its funny but my initial failures have been quite disappointing. Each subsequent failure seems to have gotten harder and harder to bear. But now it is less difficult. Whilst I would still dearly love to have a little baby and am upset at the thought of never having a baby of my own, I can’t let it control me. IVF has almost become this thing that just happens to me. I have no control over it. Maybe it is just surrendering to life as it happens moment by moment.
Today heralds the end of my two week wait. The spot of red on the toilet paper today told me a story I did not want to know. I am not pregnant. Nine cycles and no results. Countless embryos and no result. Countless injections and drugs and no result. Countless waiting around to see if I get pregnant before I think about changing jobs.
The bad news is that I will begin another round of waiting. Waiting to start another cycle all over again. Waiting to see my doctor. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting for more blood tests. It hardly seems fair – 9 attempts and no result. My womb kills embryos. They just don’t want to stick and there is medically no answer that anyone give me as to why. The other especially since a friend of mine announced she was pregnant after only doing 1 stimulated cycle of IVF.
The good news, if one wants to see the positive in this story, is that I can officially go into Christmas period and have a glass of wine. I can enjoy the work Christmas party without worrying about am I or aren’t I pregnant.
I’ve also made a decision though that will probably change the course of my destiny. The decision I made was that if I was not pregnant by the end of this year, then I would reconsider what I was doing from a work life perspective. No more putting my life on hold in the hope that I will get pregnant. Don’t get me wrong – I will still try to get pregnant. I don’t know for how long. I just won’t put my life on hold while I wait for it to happen or not happen. So I have some critical questions to address over the Christmas and New Year period.
Well I am officially in the 2 week waiting zone but the reality is, when you are doing IVF, every aspect of your life can become a waiting game. And it’s a game that is not always fun.
The problem with IVF is that all one ever does is WAIT! Your life becomes measured in units of time.
You wait to get your period so you can start IVF. You wait day after day to ovulate so the frozen embryo can be transferred. Yout wait until it can be transferred. You wait for your next blood test. You wait for your next ultrasound appointment. You do the two week wait. You wait to get pregnant. You wait before you do the pregnancy test. You wait for the fertility clinic to call you back. You wait for those test results even though most times you already know the answer.
You wait to start the contraceptive pill. You wait to start the nasal spray. You wait to start injections. You wait to do the final injection. You wait to have sex so the sperm is at it’s peak. You wait for Egg Retrieval. You wait for embryo transfer. You wait to hear news about the rest of your fertilization rates so you know how many you have left on ice. You wait to get your period.
You wait until you are in a better emotional state to tell your friends and family the outcome. You wait for the grief to disappear. You wait until you can get your next appointment. You wait another month before can start again. You wait for it to be your turn to be pregnant. You wait for your weight to return back to normal after all the weight gain from ferility medications. You wait for your skin to return back to normal because the fertility medications have made your nose look like Rudoph the Red nose reindeer. You wait in a job you no longer enjoy just in case you might be pregnant.
I don’t know about you, but I feel I’ve waited long enough! I just want a positive outcome. Four more days til my next blood test. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.