The IVF Club

A Personal Blog About IVF Treatment & Infertility

Having a Break From IVF

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Its been a while since I wrote in my blog. Since that time a few other long term infertility sufferers have gotten pregnant and I am still infertile. Its funny that no matter how strong you think you are going there are always those moments when you talk about your experiences and get upset. After a couple of months break from IVF, albeit with the constant reminder of my failure to get pregnant (my ankles and fingers are still swollen from steroid withdrawals) I thought I was doing fine. I was also contemplating life without a child and wondering what that could mean.

However on Monday evening I went out to dinner with my biological mother (I am adopted) and found myself crying about it all. As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough. Today (Thursday), we visited a friend who had baby number 2 and I found myself getting clucky and playing with the baby. I marveled at this newborns beautiful soft skin and tiny long and slender fingers. Then I started crying – perhaps it was the realization that I might never have a baby. I don’t know. All I know is that grief can come along at any moment and strike you when you least expect it. I had to fake it and go to toilet so that no-one could see me cry. Its not good when you want a baby. I know I should be happy for the people who have a child (and I am)  except that it reminds me that I can’t have a child and don’t have one.

In any case I have resolved to have a break from IVF and let my body recover. I have rashes all over my body as well as the swollen ankles and this is all related to my reaction to going off steroid treatment for my natural killer cells. I am sick of my body reacting the way it does and want to give it time to recover.  Previously I was rushing against my body clock but now I have a different attitude and just want my body to be ok and I want the horrible symptoms I have left over from IVF to go away. I have also put on weight and I know this isn’t going to help me get pregnant either. So it is rest time for me for a little while at least.  I am going to have a post a picture of the rashes on my legs that started to appear right before Christmas.  I also need to write about another incident that occurred before I left my job. It literally shocked me that someone could be so thoughtless.

IVF Pregnancy Test Results

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Decision day was last Wednesday. I sat by the phone anxiously awaiting my blood test results after now 15 rounds of IVF. The call didn’t come until late in the afternoon. You can always tell by the tone of the nurse whether you have been successful or not. In this instance I again was unsuccessful.  I was expecting this more because that is the standard response however I was still hopeful I would get a different result this time.  Anyway my nurse told me that I needed to continue to take the steriod dexamethasome for the next 7 days but just one tablet a day instead of two so I could wean myself off the steriods. Not sure what would happen if I stopped them suddenly though.

Aunt Flo did not surface until the weekend so it was a very long cycle for me. Around 33 – 34 days in total.  I got hit with cramps late Saturday afternoon while I was vacuuming the rug. I didn’t feel too flash the next day either.  So now as the year draws to close I am left with no eggs, no baby, no job and am faced with the prospect of yet another round of IVF.

The job bit I can deal with as this was my choice but I had hoped there would be something nice to celebrate in the new year. On a positive note, my two cats will be happy that they will be in peace and won’t need to deal with the noise of a baby.

This blog also got nominated as blog of the year by another website for Ultrasound technicians. I guess it is nice to be infamous for something. Hopefully my story although not positive yet will help others as they go through their journey of IVF. I suppose if one has had a few failures with IVF, it can be comforting to be reminded that other people are worse off. Maybe I serve as a reminder to others that things aren’t quite as bad for them as they are for me. Although I am sure that there are many people who have tried longer and more often that I.

I really did not want to go down the path of doing IVF again. I have had quite a lot of attempts. In addition, the amount of drugs I am taking has steadily increased and the number of injections I will need to have next time will be horrendous. Call me a whinge but the prospect of having 4 needles a day plus all the other drugs is not very appealing to me.

My plan at the moment is to take some time off, enjoy Christmas and start getting outside, going for walks and enjoying the sunshine.  I have an appointment with my Fertility Specialist set up for the 15th December but I can guarantee I can’t see myself doing anything more in regards to IVF this year.

Negative Result

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The phone call came. I detected in the nurses voice that the news was not good. I was right – negative. Still no sign of Aunt Flo.  Not pregnant just like I expected. For one brief moment, I imagined myself finding out a positive result and then not saying a word to anyone (unlike me) until when I was home with my husband.  I just wanted to see the look in his eyes. Sadly this is not to be.  Tonight I am going out with some girlfriends for dinner. A couple of glasses of red wine is on the cards. I just hope that no-one asks me any questions. One of my friends is likely too – as well intentioned as wht she is, she is thoughtless sometimes! Grrh!

BFN Again!

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As predicted last in my post we’ve had yet another failure. Aunt Flo made a brief appearance on Friday night. Having a day 5 embryo inserted 4 days after I ovulated probably didn’t help. My husband greets the news by giving me a big hug. He gave my flowers after the first 3 or 4 failures. It gets a little expensive when you do it as often as I do. Coping with the news was probably harder then than what it is now. We don’t talk about it anymore – our body language does all the communication it needs.

Personally I like to talk about it but my husband does not – that’s his way of coping. I know he is disappointed too. But really, there is nothing more we can say any more to each other than what we have already said before. Besides he is not a big talker and I accepted that when I married him. He is still my rock and shoulder to cry on when I need to.

I also have friends I can talk to about it – although I do try not to trouble my friends every single time I have an IVF failure.  There have been too many and I know from experience that no matter how good a friend is, they can get worn out if you are constantly upset and need to talk about it.  I guess most people think you should move on but infertility is a process of constant grieving to some extent.  I have personally lost some valuable friendships in the past because a “friend” thought I was too demanding in the past at a time of crisis in my life. I am not willing to repeat that again.

You wouldn’t know it but as I write this post on my blog, silent tears fall. I didn’t cry when my period arrived. I do now. Writing it all down is very cathartic for me.  Although I get upset, it gives me permission to talk and releases my feelings on matter. I have a theory that repression causes depression. When I repress my feelings, I get depressed. Revealing them, releases me and frees me from feeling depressed. To anyone else going through infertility I seriously recommend writing it all down. You don’t have to write war and peace and you don’t even have to make it public like I do. You could write a blog under a pen name or you could even just put pen to paper and keep it to yourself.

If you want to know how to go about setting up a blog, I am happy to teach this. I already run private workshops that teach people how to set up a blog or website and am planning on setting up a video series on my other website about how to set up and write a blog. Amazingly it is so simple and anyone can do it!  I do plan on charging for the course but it will be free for anyone undergoing IVF because I think we spend enough on IVF cycles without having to spend any more money on anything else.  Of course, I know this isn’t for everybody and for many a pen and paper would suffice.  However, if you are interested you can register by clicking here.  I haven’t created the content yet but if you register you will provide with an incentive to get off my butt and do it!

My next major step is have a blood test to confirm what I already know – I am not pregnant! After this, I will take a month off with the aim of having a full stimulated cycle in May. I don’t think my bank account will like me very much.  I know I ranted and raved about being sick of it all and I really truly am. However I am 40 years old, my eggs are not getting any younger and my biological clock is is ticking louder and faster. How does one overcome the inevitable process of aging?

I guess you don’t. There is no elixir to reverse the process. I wish there were. I do take Chinese Herbs which apparently provide nutritional support for my eggs. I can’t argue with century old traditional Chinese techniques.

Why Baby Showers and IVF Don’t Mix

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Yesterday I had been planning on attending a friends baby shower.  Unfortunately, the arrival of Aunt Flo after another IVF cycle put a dampener on my planned outing. Emotionally I was raw and upset from yet another failure. Whilst I am very happy for my friend, the thought of sitting with a bunch of women watching her open presents for the impending arrival of her baby boy was too much to bear.

The oohs and ahhs of potentially seeing little baby bibs, cuddle rugs and cute clothing was enough to put my head in  a tail spin.  It has nothing to do with my friends.  The thing is that with each IVF failure, you are confronted with the possibility that you might never realise your dream of becoming a parent.  Seeing iconic baby items is not helpful when you are in this phase.  You are confronted with the thought that you might never buy these items for yourself – well your own baby.

Had the shower been a week or so later, I am sure that mentally I would have been OK with attending but at the moment the pain is too raw.  In the end I had to ring my friend and explain to her that I was happy for her but I was unable to attend for fear of making a spectacle of myself by bursting into tears at the mere sight of some cutie toy baby things.  I thought it was in my best interests and also in hers that I didn’t attend.  Fortunately, my friend was very understanding and empathetic. She herself had almost been thinking of going down the IVF path at one stage as it took her quite a while to conceive. We will be catching over after Christmas so I think that is a better outcome.

I also had to ring another friend, who recently announced she was pregnant via IVF and who also was attending the baby shower.  She didn’t know anyone else at the baby shower so was looking forward to me attending.  Ringing her was not an easy task because whilst I am happy for her, it seems unfair that it only took her one stimulated IVF cycle and 2 FETs to get pregnant.  Sometimes you just want to scream “What about me?”  You also have to protect your own interests – theres nothing great about being a blubbering mess in a room full of other women or people feeling sorry for you.  We have been trying longer but have been unlucky in getting the final prize.  The unanswerable question is “will weever get there?”