Emotional Impact Archives - Page 3 of 3

Wow. What a day. One expanding blastocyst transferred. One early blastocyst in the making. And drumroll please …. hopefully at least one more blastocyst to come.

The transfer itself went smoothly. The only hiccup was when I went to go to the toilet to empty my bladder and found that someone was already in the toilet.

That’s right. The occupant forgot to lock the door. I don’t know who was more surprised, the occupant for being sprung or me for finding this woman standing up over the toilet facing the door. The mind boggles. Not how I would use the toilet anyway.

Now my only perplexing thing is that the embryologist told me that there were still 13 embryos going along. You may recall that yesterday my nurse told me that there was 11 with 3 not looking so good. I sure hope they get their stories straight when I ring up tomorrow afternoon to find out the final outcome.

Some other random thoughts about the day and why you know you have done IVF too many times:

– When the admission nurses all greet you by your first name without looking at your file.
– When the Doctor asks you if you would mind if a student watches your transfer and you ungratefully say that’s ok but with an attitude that sounds like an imposition.
– You vow to say no to the student next time because news flash! It is an imposition. You don’t want any more people looking at your girlie bits even if it means annoying the doctor who is helping put the embryo inside you.
– You start becoming less amazed with the science of it all and more impatient for a result
– You start telling people not to ask you any more questions about how your IVF is going because you know if there is a failed result this time, you will be devastated and “tear up” at the drop of the hat

After 6 attempts at IVF, I have learnt that again I was not successful in getting pregnant. I was devastated and have had random moments of tears since that discovery.

I never thought that this week would be so hard. I am starting to learn that the the more you go down the IVF path, the harder it actually gets. I have now done 4 IVF stimulated cycles and 2 Frozen Embryo Transfers.

For my part, the disappointment stems from an unbelievable sense of loss. It feels like my dreams of becoming a parent will never materialize. My biological clock is ticking and my body is against me.

The difference with IVF compared to natural attempts at conception is the knowledge that an embryo has been implanted. What I mean is that you know an embryo is there and fertilisation has taken place. With this knowledge comes the hope that this time might be the lucky time. The disappointing thing, is that I now know that it isn’t. I now have a history of two years of infertility and am contemplating doing another stimulated IVF cycle.

I am also surprised to learn new things about myself and depth of my emotions on the topic. I never thought this possible, but I am am surprised to learn that I would be a person who has been:

Happy but angry that a friend would conceive after 1 IVF stimulated cycle and 1 Frozen Embryo Transfer.
Reduced to tears when shopping for baby clothes at Target for a friend who recently gave birth because I am wondering if I will ever shop for clothes for my own baby.
Cynical (funny cause I’ve always been thought of as naive).

These are feelings that I would not normally have. I am even more devastated as we have going for top of the range blastocysts which according to my fertility specialist apparently has a better success rate than Day 3 embryos. I don’t know how true this is – just look at what happened to my friend. What I do think however is that Day 5 embryos have a better chance of lining his pocket. Maybe that is the new “cynical’ side of me coming out.

I hope that by writing this blog, I will then be able to help people understand more about IVF and the pressure that they or someone close to might go through if they go down this path. Whilst most IVF clinics explain about IVF from a technical viewpoint I believe that improvement could be made in helping couples understand the full ramifications of IVF. IVF is not the be all and end all. At best it offers people more hope and the potential to have children but it is by no means guaranteed.

In the meantime, my hats and commendations are for the women who have gone through far more cycles that I and who have had the courage to continue on. My commendations are also for the men who stood with them, all the while knowing how interfering IVF can be with your sex life and emotions.

In future blogs I intend to cover off what it is like going through a stimulated IVF cycle.

Embryo Transfer Moments

Frustrations of IVF