This month I really thought that there was a possibility I could be pregnant even though I had been negative about it happening this time. My negativity stemmed from the fact that this month I ovulated later than normal and then somehow my hormones surged for 3 whole days before I actually ovulated. As my body was behaving differently to normal, I decided to change the number of embryos transferred from two to one. The logic being not to waste the embryos I had. I really felt that my body was conspiring against me for this cycle to get pregnant.
However, some positive things occurred which lead me to think this time could be different. My period was 3 days late – a pretty rare event. I didn’t develop acne. I didn’t feel bloated. I’ve been making some positive changes to my lifestyle – getting more sleep, having regular acupuncture and taking Chinese herbal medicines twice daily. It also seemed quite plausible and after 10 IVF attempts, surely it was my turn to fall pregnant. I also made a big personal decision and decided not to put my life and career on hold until I got pregnant.
Unfortunately, Aunt Flo decided to arrive yesterday. So its now back to the drawing board again! As much as I was filled with anticipation, I have learned not to get excited or upset about the possibility of getting or not getting pregnant. Its funny but my initial failures have been quite disappointing. Each subsequent failure seems to have gotten harder and harder to bear. But now it is less difficult. Whilst I would still dearly love to have a little baby and am upset at the thought of never having a baby of my own, I can’t let it control me. IVF has almost become this thing that just happens to me. I have no control over it. Maybe it is just surrendering to life as it happens moment by moment.
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