As predicted last in my post we’ve had yet another failure. Aunt Flo made a brief appearance on Friday night. Having a day 5 embryo inserted 4 days after I ovulated probably didn’t help. My husband greets the news by giving me a big hug. He gave my flowers after the first 3 or 4 failures. It gets a little expensive when you do it as often as I do. Coping with the news was probably harder then than what it is now. We don’t talk about it anymore – our body language does all the communication it needs.

Personally I like to talk about it but my husband does not – that’s his way of coping. I know he is disappointed too. But really, there is nothing more we can say any more to each other than what we have already said before. Besides he is not a big talker and I accepted that when I married him. He is still my rock and shoulder to cry on when I need to.

I also have friends I can talk to about it – although I do try not to trouble my friends every single time I have an IVF failure.  There have been too many and I know from experience that no matter how good a friend is, they can get worn out if you are constantly upset and need to talk about it.  I guess most people think you should move on but infertility is a process of constant grieving to some extent.  I have personally lost some valuable friendships in the past because a “friend” thought I was too demanding in the past at a time of crisis in my life. I am not willing to repeat that again.

You wouldn’t know it but as I write this post on my blog, silent tears fall. I didn’t cry when my period arrived. I do now. Writing it all down is very cathartic for me.  Although I get upset, it gives me permission to talk and releases my feelings on matter. I have a theory that repression causes depression. When I repress my feelings, I get depressed. Revealing them, releases me and frees me from feeling depressed. To anyone else going through infertility I seriously recommend writing it all down. You don’t have to write war and peace and you don’t even have to make it public like I do. You could write a blog under a pen name or you could even just put pen to paper and keep it to yourself.

If you want to know how to go about setting up a blog, I am happy to teach this. I already run private workshops that teach people how to set up a blog or website and am planning on setting up a video series on my other website about how to set up and write a blog. Amazingly it is so simple and anyone can do it!  I do plan on charging for the course but it will be free for anyone undergoing IVF because I think we spend enough on IVF cycles without having to spend any more money on anything else.  Of course, I know this isn’t for everybody and for many a pen and paper would suffice.  However, if you are interested you can register by clicking here.  I haven’t created the content yet but if you register you will provide with an incentive to get off my butt and do it!

My next major step is have a blood test to confirm what I already know – I am not pregnant! After this, I will take a month off with the aim of having a full stimulated cycle in May. I don’t think my bank account will like me very much.  I know I ranted and raved about being sick of it all and I really truly am. However I am 40 years old, my eggs are not getting any younger and my biological clock is is ticking louder and faster. How does one overcome the inevitable process of aging?

I guess you don’t. There is no elixir to reverse the process. I wish there were. I do take Chinese Herbs which apparently provide nutritional support for my eggs. I can’t argue with century old traditional Chinese techniques.

BFN Again! is a post from: The IVF Club

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This month I really thought that there was a possibility I could be pregnant even though I had been negative about it happening this time.  My negativity stemmed from the fact that this month I ovulated later than normal and then somehow my hormones surged for 3 whole days before I actually ovulated.  As my body was behaving differently to normal, I decided to change the number of embryos transferred from two to one. The logic being not to waste the embryos I had.  I really felt that my body was conspiring against me for this cycle to get pregnant.

However, some positive things occurred which lead me to think this time could be different. My period was 3 days late – a pretty rare event. I didn’t develop acne. I didn’t feel bloated.  I’ve been making some positive changes to my lifestyle – getting more sleep, having regular acupuncture and taking Chinese herbal medicines twice daily.  It also seemed quite plausible and after 10 IVF attempts, surely it was my turn to fall pregnant. I also made a big personal decision and decided not to put my life and career on hold until I got pregnant.

Unfortunately, Aunt Flo decided to arrive yesterday. So its now back to the drawing board again!  As much as I was filled with anticipation, I have learned not to get excited or upset about the possibility of getting or not getting pregnant.  Its funny but my initial failures have been quite disappointing.  Each subsequent failure seems to have gotten harder and harder to bear.  But now it is less difficult.  Whilst I would still dearly love to have a little baby and am upset at the thought of never having a baby of my own, I can’t let it control me.  IVF has almost become this thing that just happens to me.  I have no control over it.  Maybe it is just surrendering to life as it happens moment by moment.

IVF Cycle Ten is a post from: The IVF Club

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Yesterday I had been planning on attending a friends baby shower.  Unfortunately, the arrival of Aunt Flo after another IVF cycle put a dampener on my planned outing. Emotionally I was raw and upset from yet another failure. Whilst I am very happy for my friend, the thought of sitting with a bunch of women watching her open presents for the impending arrival of her baby boy was too much to bear.

The oohs and ahhs of potentially seeing little baby bibs, cuddle rugs and cute clothing was enough to put my head in  a tail spin.  It has nothing to do with my friends.  The thing is that with each IVF failure, you are confronted with the possibility that you might never realise your dream of becoming a parent.  Seeing iconic baby items is not helpful when you are in this phase.  You are confronted with the thought that you might never buy these items for yourself – well your own baby.

Had the shower been a week or so later, I am sure that mentally I would have been OK with attending but at the moment the pain is too raw.  In the end I had to ring my friend and explain to her that I was happy for her but I was unable to attend for fear of making a spectacle of myself by bursting into tears at the mere sight of some cutie toy baby things.  I thought it was in my best interests and also in hers that I didn’t attend.  Fortunately, my friend was very understanding and empathetic. She herself had almost been thinking of going down the IVF path at one stage as it took her quite a while to conceive. We will be catching over after Christmas so I think that is a better outcome.

I also had to ring another friend, who recently announced she was pregnant via IVF and who also was attending the baby shower.  She didn’t know anyone else at the baby shower so was looking forward to me attending.  Ringing her was not an easy task because whilst I am happy for her, it seems unfair that it only took her one stimulated IVF cycle and 2 FETs to get pregnant.  Sometimes you just want to scream “What about me?”  You also have to protect your own interests – theres nothing great about being a blubbering mess in a room full of other women or people feeling sorry for you.  We have been trying longer but have been unlucky in getting the final prize.  The unanswerable question is “will weever get there?”

Why Baby Showers and IVF Don’t Mix is a post from: The IVF Club

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Today heralds the end of my two week wait.  The spot of red on the toilet paper today told  me a story I did not want to know.  I am not pregnant.  Nine cycles and no results. Countless embryos and no result. Countless injections and drugs and no result. Countless waiting around to see if I get pregnant before I think about changing jobs.

The bad news is that I will begin another round of waiting. Waiting to start another cycle all over again. Waiting to see my doctor. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting for more blood tests.  It hardly seems fair – 9 attempts and no result.  My womb kills embryos.  They just don’t want to stick and there is medically no answer that anyone give me as to why.  The other  especially since a friend of mine announced she was pregnant after only doing 1 stimulated cycle of IVF.

The good news, if one wants to see the positive in this story, is that I can officially go into Christmas period and have a glass of wine. I can enjoy the work Christmas party without worrying about am I or aren’t I pregnant.

I’ve also made a decision though that will probably change the course of my destiny. The decision I made was that if I was not pregnant by the end of this year, then I would reconsider what I was doing from a work life perspective.  No more putting my life on hold in the hope that I will get pregnant. Don’t get me wrong – I will still try to get pregnant. I don’t know for how long. I just won’t put my life on hold while I wait for it to happen or not happen.  So I have some critical questions to address over the Christmas and New Year period.

The 2 Week Wait Is Over is a post from: The IVF Club

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