Its been a while since I wrote in my blog. Since that time a few other long term infertility sufferers have gotten pregnant and I am still infertile. Its funny that no matter how strong you think you are going there are always those moments when you talk about your experiences and get upset. After a couple of months break from IVF, albeit with the constant reminder of my failure to get pregnant (my ankles and fingers are still swollen from steroid withdrawals) I thought I was doing fine. I was also contemplating life without a child and wondering what that could mean.

However on Monday evening I went out to dinner with my biological mother (I am adopted) and found myself crying about it all. As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough. Today (Thursday), we visited a friend who had baby number 2 and I found myself getting clucky and playing with the baby. I marveled at this newborns beautiful soft skin and tiny long and slender fingers. Then I started crying – perhaps it was the realization that I might never have a baby. I don’t know. All I know is that grief can come along at any moment and strike you when you least expect it. I had to fake it and go to toilet so that no-one could see me cry. Its not good when you want a baby. I know I should be happy for the people who have a child (and I am)  except that it reminds me that I can’t have a child and don’t have one.

In any case I have resolved to have a break from IVF and let my body recover. I have rashes all over my body as well as the swollen ankles and this is all related to my reaction to going off steroid treatment for my natural killer cells. I am sick of my body reacting the way it does and want to give it time to recover.  Previously I was rushing against my body clock but now I have a different attitude and just want my body to be ok and I want the horrible symptoms I have left over from IVF to go away. I have also put on weight and I know this isn’t going to help me get pregnant either. So it is rest time for me for a little while at least.  I am going to have a post a picture of the rashes on my legs that started to appear right before Christmas.  I also need to write about another incident that occurred before I left my job. It literally shocked me that someone could be so thoughtless.

Having a Break From IVF is a post from: The IVF Club

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Despite being in the waiting zone while we gather all out test results one thing is clear, my veins have decided to stop giving blood.  On Tuesday, I went to two pathology clinics so they could collect 9 vials of blood. I came prepared as I had drunk a litre of water prior to arriving as I know my veins can sometimes give them a bit of grief.

Unfortunately, they couldn’t get one vial of blood let alone none.  The first clinic I went to tried to put a needle in my left arm.  Unfortunately, my vein went into hiding so they tried again on the same arm. Still no good.  I now have a massive bruise on the inside of my left arm where they tried to get my blood. You can see a close up of it below.

The clinician then requested that I go to another clinic as they have 5 more staff on hand who could help me. So back into the waiting line I went.  Another 750ml of water was consumed which only had the effect of making me want to pee.  To add insult to injury, they missed my number so I had to go up to the counter to get my rightful place in line.  Anyway, the clinician could not find a vein on my right arm or wrist and so called for reinforcements.  So another clinician came in to help.  Since no vein was forthcoming, I had to run my hand under hot water in the hope of enticing my vein come out to play.  Two attempts later and no blood – actually one flashback but that was it.  So on their advice I was told to come back another day making sure I had drunk lots of water (like I hadn’t already) and also make sure I was warm (its the middle of winter).

So I now have to go back to the clinic so they can try and get some blood out of me.  Yikes – judging by the bruise on my arm I am not very keen. Even worse when they told me to leave I just started crying.  I know its not my fault if they can’t get my blood but it was just one more thing in the already frustrating journey of IVF.

If they can’t get one vial how are they doing to get nine vials. How are they going to go about even more vials later on when they need to test my hormone levels when I start my next cycle.

Why do they even need 9 vials? Firstly by law you are required to have HIV, Hep B and Hep C tests every couple of years when you do IVF. This probably helps them monitor their standards since you have a hell of a lot of blood tests when doing IVF.  Goodness, they wouldn’t want me to have an infection from them. The other tests are:

• Anti DNA
• Protein C&S
• Anti Thrombin
• Lupus Anticoagulant
• FBE
• Coag Screen

Goodness knows what these all mean.  However, I am required to fast for one of the tests so coming back later in the day when it is warmer is not ideal – I love my food and breakfast is my most favourite meal of the day.  My next appointment with my Doctor is 6 weeks away as he is going to a fertility conference in Italy.  So it looks like I will be taking a long enforced break.

Blood Tests Gone Wrong is a post from: The IVF Club

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As I was getting ready to undergo another IVF cycle – this time a frozen cycle, I learned that the cost had increased by 68%.  Last year it only cost $1,400 and now it has gone up to $2357.00 excluding hospital costs.  I can honestly say that an expense that high did not feature in my budget for this month!  I would have at least put my dentist off from putting that crown on my tooth that he has been waiting to do for the past 2 years.  Now I have the crown plus a higher frozen embryo transfer bill.  Nice one!  If only work paid me overtime for the time I lose when travelling.

This time the paperwork just came in the mail. No appointment to see the nurse – just the consent form to go another round and a bill! And whats worse it is probably the one time where I really do what to see my nurse.  Why? Because logistically it is a little bit more difficult this time as I will be travelling to two different Sates around the time I ovulate.

What this means is that I may need to have to have a blood test in either state. Since my fertility clinic is not available in either Adelaide or Perth, I assume I am just going to have to rock up unannounced without an appointment and have a blood test.  The question is where? What blood testing clinics are open early in the morning before the meeting I am supposed to be presenting at. Some advice right now would have been really good – particularly at an extra $957.  I guess I am not paying for the service! Maybe I have specialist embryologist or something. Damn it, I know having multiple transfers is unpopular these days but at that rate, I’d rather stick two embryos in and only pay the $2357.00 the once only to find out that my attempts at having a baby didn’t work again!  Ok – well it might work but I don’t have a very good track record with this IVF gig.

Rants and Raves About The Cost of IVF is a post from: The IVF Club

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Yesterday I had been planning on attending a friends baby shower.  Unfortunately, the arrival of Aunt Flo after another IVF cycle put a dampener on my planned outing. Emotionally I was raw and upset from yet another failure. Whilst I am very happy for my friend, the thought of sitting with a bunch of women watching her open presents for the impending arrival of her baby boy was too much to bear.

The oohs and ahhs of potentially seeing little baby bibs, cuddle rugs and cute clothing was enough to put my head in  a tail spin.  It has nothing to do with my friends.  The thing is that with each IVF failure, you are confronted with the possibility that you might never realise your dream of becoming a parent.  Seeing iconic baby items is not helpful when you are in this phase.  You are confronted with the thought that you might never buy these items for yourself – well your own baby.

Had the shower been a week or so later, I am sure that mentally I would have been OK with attending but at the moment the pain is too raw.  In the end I had to ring my friend and explain to her that I was happy for her but I was unable to attend for fear of making a spectacle of myself by bursting into tears at the mere sight of some cutie toy baby things.  I thought it was in my best interests and also in hers that I didn’t attend.  Fortunately, my friend was very understanding and empathetic. She herself had almost been thinking of going down the IVF path at one stage as it took her quite a while to conceive. We will be catching over after Christmas so I think that is a better outcome.

I also had to ring another friend, who recently announced she was pregnant via IVF and who also was attending the baby shower.  She didn’t know anyone else at the baby shower so was looking forward to me attending.  Ringing her was not an easy task because whilst I am happy for her, it seems unfair that it only took her one stimulated IVF cycle and 2 FETs to get pregnant.  Sometimes you just want to scream “What about me?”  You also have to protect your own interests – theres nothing great about being a blubbering mess in a room full of other women or people feeling sorry for you.  We have been trying longer but have been unlucky in getting the final prize.  The unanswerable question is “will weever get there?”

Why Baby Showers and IVF Don’t Mix is a post from: The IVF Club

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